Ten Things I Don't Want To Make a Fuss About

...but still bother me.

1.- How you reacted with the whole Kalle-Sally thing. Do you really need her that much?
2.- Pregnant hormones. Pregnancy in general. The only thing I'm enjoying about it is knowing that after this, we'll have Tyler.
3.- Facebook. Roleplaying. I do feel they created a huge breach between us.
4.- That, as Dee says, we'll always find something to argue about.
5.- How I tend to overreact.
6.- How we haven't spent time alone together.

7.- The cravings.

8.-How sensitive I am to everything.

9.-The size of my stomach, my breasts, how my legs hurt...
10.- Missing you.

Te extraño, cabrón. No quiero estar sin ti, no puedo....y ahorita menos. Ya se que es difícil, que necesitas "atención", pero yo te necesito aquí, no con las otras.

Sleep

I've been here for years. I know her like the back of my hand, reading her to me is easier than breathing....and yet, I didn't see this coming.

I know her expressions; how she laughs when she really means it, the pitch of her screams when she's terrified, or the pace of her sobbing when she's crying from pain and nut just because.

Maybe I refused to see when those expressions became empty, meaningless...merely another motion to go through for the day. Her existance, as she saw it, was meaningless.

Now, don't think I didn't try to help. I did everything I could, every single thing someone in my position could. I love her. Yes, I still do, even when she refuses to believe it. She became my world, the one I had to help, a friend...and more.

It may have started when she finished school. Or when we moved. Maybe it took longer, it started with the pills. I should have noticed when she broke that promise and simply stopped caring about what happened to her. To us...

She's holding a white mug, filled it with milk and coffee. Her expression is vacant, her eyes empty. Her lips part slightly as she takes another sip of the drink. Slow acting poison, just another drug.

"Do you think he'd have come here if I'd asked? Left everything for me like I'd have done?"
I can't reply to that. I don't know what to say.
"Yes. Maybe."
She chuckles, shaking her head. The gesture is mechanical, she's practically an automathon right now. She's as good as gone. And all I want to do is hug her, take her in my arms and hold her against me, let her listen to my heartbeat, tell her I'm still here, and all because of her. All I wanted was to make her as strong as she's made me. I believe in her, even now.

She won't look at me. She stares at the wall, or the floor...anywhere but me. She knows what she's about to do, we both do. And it's killing us both, her more literally than me.

"Do you think I should have told her how I felt? Even if it was just...well, something that would just fade away?"
I try to cup her face, but my hand against her skin is like smoke, maybe a gentle wind. She can feel it, but it's not what she needs. she needs someone here...someone she can FEEL, someone she can see like she sees everyone else. She longs to be loved, for someone to feel for her what she feels for those she cares about. She can't see...and it kills me. I know there's many of us who love her, who'd do anything to see her smile, even if it was just for a second.

But I know I'll never see her smile again.

"You should have told her. And everyone else. They all should have known what you thought, what you felt..."

And I should have told you I loved you more often. Showed you in more ways. I shouldn't have made promises that didn't depend on me. I should have kept my word to you.

At least I know there's one promise I can still keep. And I will.

She won't look at me. One by one, she snaps the blisters containing the pills and sets them on a bunch over the table. She counts them two, three times, clicking her tongue. It's a fairly small dose, enough to put her to sleep for days. But that's not what she wants.

She wants to sleep forever, and I can't stop her.
She takes out the bottle of vodka and places it beside the pills, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig, craning her head back and opening her mouth, dropping the whole bunch of pills into her mouth and swallowing them. Her eyes close, and I can see tears rolling down her cheeks, the image obscured by the watery cloud forming on my own eyes.

She finally did it, and I can't decide if I'm proud of her strenght, or dissapointed about the fact that she just ended her own game. She'll never know if her feelings werw truly reciprocated, or if her dreams would come true. Her marks in this world will fade, present only in the memory of us who loved her.

She lies on the bed, squeezing my hand, her eyes finally snapping open and locking with mine.
"I always wanted to be like you, Red."

I can't talk. I'm choking on my tears, holdng her hand as tightly as I can. She chuckles and smiles, her breath becoming slower, more shallow with each passing second. I can barely feel her pulse. Still, her hand holds mine with a vicious strenght.

"Never let me go, Manda...guide me through this."

I just nod. Her eyes are closed again. I kiss the tip of my fingers and place them over her mouth.

Her skin is cold. She's not breathing anymore.

And still, she hasn't let go of my hand. And she never will.

At your side, on your left.

Always.

Someone, please...help me. Help us. Make sure this stays like this: just a piece of fiction writing.

Someone help me save her.

A Lot Like Love (Ranting Again)

In response to "Brutality"

There isn't much to say that hasn't been said, is there?

But you can't deny that, even then, there WAS something. Call it a connection, a feeling...but there was something. And I'd like to think it was that "something" that kept us coming back from more.

Believe me, I didn't want things to happen like that. If I could have had things my way, I'd gone for a little romance, the "talk-and-date" kind of stuff. I've had enough brutality in my life to have to add you to the list.

When I came here, I thought I could leave you behind. Thought I'd never have to think of you again, and tried my hardest not to. Everyone said I was better off without you, that I looked happier, healthier, better in general. Can you blame me for wanting that? And can you ever forgive me for trying to be normal for once? I went against my nature, I know. Everyone wants to try conventional happiness at least once in their life, I think.

Again, I want to stop writing right now, never post this, delete it all and pretend I never tried to pour my mind out in this "page". But I won't. Determination is the key here. Determination and perseverance.

I admit it, I'm ranting about everything and nothing, about things probably only you will understand. Guilt and hurt and blame are devouring me from the inside, burning me slowly and painfully, like acid eating away at me from my guts out.

I hurt you. And even when you more than likely deserve it, it hurts.

“Love Will Tear Us Apart” is playing on my iTunes now, and I could almost laugh at the irony. It probably will, eventually. But it’s also what keeps us coming back, isn’t it?

You love me, don’t you?

You’ll always come back, right?

Will you ever forgive me?

I wouldn’t.

Pfft! Yeah, right, I wouldn’t. I’ve forgiven you for worse than this. Of course I would forgive me for this. Nothing you haven’t done already. And I give a shit whether you tell me or not, it’s the same fucking thing.

Yes, I’d like to be the only one. Hell, I think I deserve to be. But you want others. Many others, so I’d rather have you share them with me than leave me for them. Besides, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it, but it does…burn at times.

Yesterday, I saw myself in a movie. No evil exes, don’t worry. In any case, you’d be one of them, but I always found evil fascinating, it’s a little pattern of mine when it comes to dating; the more dangerous, the better. It turns me on, if I must say.

Now I’m thinking of chocolate and cherries and syrup and ropes- because I’m fucked up like that. It’d make for a great night, a very special one. That is supposing everything special between us is still happening, but I don’t know anymore.

I hate you. I hate myself. I hate hurting everyone around me, and I hate having N around to tactlessly point out every single one of my failures in words that many before him have used, but never so lightheartedly.

I think I have nothing left to say for now. I’m ranting, not thinking straight, letting every single negative feeling in me fuse with love to write down these mindless words that will probably do nothing but hurt whomever reads them and understands.

Maybe I just need to…disappear.

Ah, a little extra…this song.

Always and never

A.Y.

Borrowing Spaces

I guess you never really knew how much I love you.
I loved you enough to watch you shut yourself from everything and everyone, building walls, perfectly constructed walls around you, like you used to do with the dominoes and cards at the park where we met. Walls I had to break to get to you in the first place.
I never...

I had to watch you slip away, grow cold and distant, silently blaming yourself for everything that happened. If only you had been there, if only you had waited with me...if only.
But fate had different plans for us. We always preached about being strong, being good, wanting to help, and someone thought it would be funny to test just how willing we were to live up to our claims.
Sounds familiar, does it not?
When they told me you were in the hospital after having tried to kill yourself, I felt myself shatter. What could have possibly driven you to that, my love, the man who always saw human life as something sacred? It had been my fault. I had trusted them all a little too much, and you warned me about it.
And then they told me about the cancer.
I laughed.
There was no way...not you. You never did anything that could lead to it, barely even drank coffee in the mornings, let alone drink or smoke. And yet, there it was: colon cancer, evolved into an inoperable front lobe tumor. Your days were counted.
And you took us all down with you.

Now, don't think I hate you. I couldn't, John, you're my heart, my life. You meant everything to me, and I must confess I never lived a truly happy day since our divorce. I needed you to be complete. But you were not yourself anymore.

None of this had to happen, and you know it. You preached about justice, about keeping your heart and your feelings out of this, and yet, what was THIS? Your own personal revenge against everyone who you believed had ruined your life.

None of this had to happen. You didn't have to do anything. In the end, no one was saved, we just crossed paths, and it will be only after death that we will be able to start over.

We had a chance; an opportunity to start again, to leave the past in the past and move on, to be strong and bare the pain, knowing it would soon become nothing more than a memory. But you were too blind to see, to consumed in your own quiet rage against everyone who had "wronged" you, one way or another.
Who's still standing, John? Not me, not you. Not even the ones who still live are ok, they lost everything to your cause. A cause that didn't need to be.
No, I am not blaming you for this. In the end, it was us who decided to stay, to return, to believe...but it lead us nowhere. No one learned, no one was saved, and everybody, in one way or another, died.

Still, here I stand, with my hand outstretched at you.
You were the last thought on my mind, the reason why I didn't feel any pain, or fear in the end. You're the reason I stayed, the reason I'd do it all over again.
You are the love of my life, John. And nothing will ever change that.

Will you now give us a chance to start over?


Jill

Musicality

"Just gonna stand there, watch me burn. But that's alright, because I love the
way it hurts"
Love Hurts. Physically. my skin says so, my heart screams that single truth as I feel myself crumbling down. We can't take it anymore. I'm growing numb, but I can only hope she won't. When you grow numb to the only thing that makes you feel alive...then you know you're dead.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now..."
Wishing keeps our heart alive. She wishes, wishes with all her might, with every cell in her body, that it never has to be her alone. When you can't stand yourself like we do, you hope someone will save you from yourself. And we try. And I promise her her wishes will come true, kill myself to give them to her. But some wishes can't come true, no matter how hard either of us tries. Still, wishing is what keeps us alive. It's a sign of hope.

"I want your love, and I want your revenge. I want your love, I don't want to be friends!"
Kill me again. Hurt me. Slap me hard, bite into my skin. Make me scream how much I hate you. Pull my hair. Tie me to the bed and leave me there for days. Put my leg in a shackle, turn off the lights and go. Bleed me out. Nurse me back to health. Stroke my hair, heal my wounds and get me back on my feet so we can start over again. Push me away, make me believe I can be without you. I want to see the smirk on your face when I crawl back to you, licking my wounds and begging for more. This is how we work.

"Bend me, break me , anyway you need me. All I want is you"
You should now my antics by now. One minute I touch the sky, next I sink myself in a tar pit. You have to let me reach bottom so I can get out, and I know how much it hurts you. And it hurts me, too. I want to change for you. Be what you want, what you need...But i'm just me. Both of us, too similar to be true, and yet so different. And so eager to change, to believe we can be something better. We're giving you the power to shape us into anything you desire. Make of us what you want. As long as we're with you, it doesn't matter.

"She's not broken, she's just a baby. and her boyfrien's like her dad, just like her dad."
Broken. Shattered. Weak. Pathetic little thing, excuse of a woman. And then you take me in your arms, soothe me, tell me everything's gonna be alright. And I believe you, take in every word you say like oxygen, like I needed it to breathe. Because I do. I need your words to keep on going. I need to hear you say things will be fine to believe they can be.

"I kinda like the missery you put me through.
-Darling, you can trust me completely
If you even try to look the other way...
I think that I could kill this time"

Snippets and bits of what's been in my mind today, with some songs people sent me.

Talk about polarity....

Some Advice...

For my "kids" out there, here's some advice:

- Never fear pain. Pain will come,and it will come harder if you keep avoiding it. The bitch chases after you all the time, so beter take it in small doses. Embrace it when it comes, cry it out, then start walking away.

- Watch "Mulholland Drive" at least once in your life. That'll be your guide of how NOT to love someone and what not to do to those who'd kill for you.
- On the note of love: don't ever be with someone you wouldn't give your life for. Also, never be with someone who wouldn't give their life for you.

- Never give everything for those who wouldn't give anything for you.

- In love, you ought to be a priority. If you're with someone s a second option,you're wasting your time.

- Never do drugs. They won't erase your past, nor will they make it go away. They only waste your present and ruin your future.

- Get completely wasted (drink until you forget your name and where you are) at least once in your life. Try never doing it again. If you do, ALWAYS be accompanied by someone who'll help you out.

- We were gifted with intuition. If it says "no", listen to it.

- Casual sex is great, yes. But it can't start to compare with making love. Try the latter more often.

- Don't put your friends and couple over your carreer, and don't put your carreer over them. You never know when both will end.

- Don't "forget and forgive". Forgiving means nothing if you forget.

- Keep in mind what happened, bear your scars proudly, and everytime you look at them, smile. In the end, all wounds heal,and all scars teach you a lesson.

- Stay in touch with at least one friend from your childhood. They'll help you remember how little you've really changed in essence, and will always point out how far you've made it in life.

- Don't have children for nannies to take care of. Have children when you know you can be with them when they need you. They are YOUR kids, your parents already had to raise you.

- When there's true love, marriage isn't needed. Keep it in mind.

- Don't be impatient. Live today to build the future you want, not just to get there.

- Don't say "I love you" if you don't really feel it. The symptoms are:

. Butterflies in your stomach.
. Miraculous boosts of energy when you see/hear/read/know about that person.

. Believing every word that comes out of their mouth, because, how could they lie to you?

. Smiling like stupid every time you notice something that reminds you of them.

. Smiling like stupid just because you remembered them.

. You'd give up everything without second thoughts or regrets just to see them again.

. You want to be fine. You want to be happy. You want to live and breathe so they can smile with you.

.You have no doubt of how (everything great and awesome) you are. Why else would they be there?

And the last piece of advice in this list:

People are just people. They come, they go...you're not them,and they don't make you. It hurts sometimes, and they hurt sometimes. But we need them.

Never look back. Never go back. Smile always. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Run, trip, get back up and keep running. Even if you never reach the sunset or the stars,just moving towards them makes you feel you can.

Who knows? Maybe you will...