A Lot Like Love (Ranting Again)

In response to "Brutality"

There isn't much to say that hasn't been said, is there?

But you can't deny that, even then, there WAS something. Call it a connection, a feeling...but there was something. And I'd like to think it was that "something" that kept us coming back from more.

Believe me, I didn't want things to happen like that. If I could have had things my way, I'd gone for a little romance, the "talk-and-date" kind of stuff. I've had enough brutality in my life to have to add you to the list.

When I came here, I thought I could leave you behind. Thought I'd never have to think of you again, and tried my hardest not to. Everyone said I was better off without you, that I looked happier, healthier, better in general. Can you blame me for wanting that? And can you ever forgive me for trying to be normal for once? I went against my nature, I know. Everyone wants to try conventional happiness at least once in their life, I think.

Again, I want to stop writing right now, never post this, delete it all and pretend I never tried to pour my mind out in this "page". But I won't. Determination is the key here. Determination and perseverance.

I admit it, I'm ranting about everything and nothing, about things probably only you will understand. Guilt and hurt and blame are devouring me from the inside, burning me slowly and painfully, like acid eating away at me from my guts out.

I hurt you. And even when you more than likely deserve it, it hurts.

“Love Will Tear Us Apart” is playing on my iTunes now, and I could almost laugh at the irony. It probably will, eventually. But it’s also what keeps us coming back, isn’t it?

You love me, don’t you?

You’ll always come back, right?

Will you ever forgive me?

I wouldn’t.

Pfft! Yeah, right, I wouldn’t. I’ve forgiven you for worse than this. Of course I would forgive me for this. Nothing you haven’t done already. And I give a shit whether you tell me or not, it’s the same fucking thing.

Yes, I’d like to be the only one. Hell, I think I deserve to be. But you want others. Many others, so I’d rather have you share them with me than leave me for them. Besides, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it, but it does…burn at times.

Yesterday, I saw myself in a movie. No evil exes, don’t worry. In any case, you’d be one of them, but I always found evil fascinating, it’s a little pattern of mine when it comes to dating; the more dangerous, the better. It turns me on, if I must say.

Now I’m thinking of chocolate and cherries and syrup and ropes- because I’m fucked up like that. It’d make for a great night, a very special one. That is supposing everything special between us is still happening, but I don’t know anymore.

I hate you. I hate myself. I hate hurting everyone around me, and I hate having N around to tactlessly point out every single one of my failures in words that many before him have used, but never so lightheartedly.

I think I have nothing left to say for now. I’m ranting, not thinking straight, letting every single negative feeling in me fuse with love to write down these mindless words that will probably do nothing but hurt whomever reads them and understands.

Maybe I just need to…disappear.

Ah, a little extra…this song.

Always and never

A.Y.

The Rant In Red & Black

Automathon. Catatonic. Barely conscious.
I’m idle. I’m here without being, even when I started taking over again last night.
Thumb flickers slowly over the ever-smooth flesh of pink nipples, hands cupping the small, rounded breasts, squeezing them. Idle. It feels good, but I feel nothing.
What brings me back to myself is that final scene from the movie Marie Antoinette. It’s very simple, to be honest: the master chambers of the King and Queen of France, half-trashed and discreetly blood-stained. But I see it, in absolute silence, and it disturbs me. Even royalty can be ravished. Even the powerful can be violated.
I feel helpless, and memories start playing again.
My room. That room. The blood…the meaning. It hurts, but I can’t pinpoint why. Or rather, I can but don’t want to.

Tonight I want to be a queen. Marie Antoinette herself.

I was with Fae today, submerged in this catatonic state, the awareness of her hand, lead by mine, caressing her being the only thing to keep us from not existing. We ate and slept for most of the day. And God, I slept like the angels today. I dreamt of soft clouds and clear seas and stars and peace. Or maybe I didn’t dream, but I slept peacefully. And then I dyed her hair black and painted her nails red and made her me again. Fara doesn’t exist by herself, just like I wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t here. Fara and Amanda are not real, but Faramanda is. Complex as it may sound, it’s really very simple. Ask any Host.
I pick on my wounds, scratch them until they bleed again.Last night, I had an epiphany. It came as we were watching tv, staring transfixed as a woman choked her sister in law in a twisted form of erotic asphyxiation that, for reasons unknown, turned me on more than the real, “safe” thing. Yesterday I wanted to kill, and I knew exactly whom. Yesterday I opened a cut over a scar by letting Mark bring my father, and it hurts. He still hurts. But what hurts the most is that I’ll never really know why.
In a few hours Dee and Mark will be here, and I will face Matthew again.
And I’ll sleep peacefully again for the first time in 35 years.

Tomorrow, I'll become a Killer Queen.

Musicality

"Just gonna stand there, watch me burn. But that's alright, because I love the
way it hurts"
Love Hurts. Physically. my skin says so, my heart screams that single truth as I feel myself crumbling down. We can't take it anymore. I'm growing numb, but I can only hope she won't. When you grow numb to the only thing that makes you feel alive...then you know you're dead.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now..."
Wishing keeps our heart alive. She wishes, wishes with all her might, with every cell in her body, that it never has to be her alone. When you can't stand yourself like we do, you hope someone will save you from yourself. And we try. And I promise her her wishes will come true, kill myself to give them to her. But some wishes can't come true, no matter how hard either of us tries. Still, wishing is what keeps us alive. It's a sign of hope.

"I want your love, and I want your revenge. I want your love, I don't want to be friends!"
Kill me again. Hurt me. Slap me hard, bite into my skin. Make me scream how much I hate you. Pull my hair. Tie me to the bed and leave me there for days. Put my leg in a shackle, turn off the lights and go. Bleed me out. Nurse me back to health. Stroke my hair, heal my wounds and get me back on my feet so we can start over again. Push me away, make me believe I can be without you. I want to see the smirk on your face when I crawl back to you, licking my wounds and begging for more. This is how we work.

"Bend me, break me , anyway you need me. All I want is you"
You should now my antics by now. One minute I touch the sky, next I sink myself in a tar pit. You have to let me reach bottom so I can get out, and I know how much it hurts you. And it hurts me, too. I want to change for you. Be what you want, what you need...But i'm just me. Both of us, too similar to be true, and yet so different. And so eager to change, to believe we can be something better. We're giving you the power to shape us into anything you desire. Make of us what you want. As long as we're with you, it doesn't matter.

"She's not broken, she's just a baby. and her boyfrien's like her dad, just like her dad."
Broken. Shattered. Weak. Pathetic little thing, excuse of a woman. And then you take me in your arms, soothe me, tell me everything's gonna be alright. And I believe you, take in every word you say like oxygen, like I needed it to breathe. Because I do. I need your words to keep on going. I need to hear you say things will be fine to believe they can be.

"I kinda like the missery you put me through.
-Darling, you can trust me completely
If you even try to look the other way...
I think that I could kill this time"

Snippets and bits of what's been in my mind today, with some songs people sent me.

Talk about polarity....