Borrowing Spaces

I guess you never really knew how much I love you.
I loved you enough to watch you shut yourself from everything and everyone, building walls, perfectly constructed walls around you, like you used to do with the dominoes and cards at the park where we met. Walls I had to break to get to you in the first place.
I never...

I had to watch you slip away, grow cold and distant, silently blaming yourself for everything that happened. If only you had been there, if only you had waited with me...if only.
But fate had different plans for us. We always preached about being strong, being good, wanting to help, and someone thought it would be funny to test just how willing we were to live up to our claims.
Sounds familiar, does it not?
When they told me you were in the hospital after having tried to kill yourself, I felt myself shatter. What could have possibly driven you to that, my love, the man who always saw human life as something sacred? It had been my fault. I had trusted them all a little too much, and you warned me about it.
And then they told me about the cancer.
I laughed.
There was no way...not you. You never did anything that could lead to it, barely even drank coffee in the mornings, let alone drink or smoke. And yet, there it was: colon cancer, evolved into an inoperable front lobe tumor. Your days were counted.
And you took us all down with you.

Now, don't think I hate you. I couldn't, John, you're my heart, my life. You meant everything to me, and I must confess I never lived a truly happy day since our divorce. I needed you to be complete. But you were not yourself anymore.

None of this had to happen, and you know it. You preached about justice, about keeping your heart and your feelings out of this, and yet, what was THIS? Your own personal revenge against everyone who you believed had ruined your life.

None of this had to happen. You didn't have to do anything. In the end, no one was saved, we just crossed paths, and it will be only after death that we will be able to start over.

We had a chance; an opportunity to start again, to leave the past in the past and move on, to be strong and bare the pain, knowing it would soon become nothing more than a memory. But you were too blind to see, to consumed in your own quiet rage against everyone who had "wronged" you, one way or another.
Who's still standing, John? Not me, not you. Not even the ones who still live are ok, they lost everything to your cause. A cause that didn't need to be.
No, I am not blaming you for this. In the end, it was us who decided to stay, to return, to believe...but it lead us nowhere. No one learned, no one was saved, and everybody, in one way or another, died.

Still, here I stand, with my hand outstretched at you.
You were the last thought on my mind, the reason why I didn't feel any pain, or fear in the end. You're the reason I stayed, the reason I'd do it all over again.
You are the love of my life, John. And nothing will ever change that.

Will you now give us a chance to start over?


Jill

The Rant In Red & Black

Automathon. Catatonic. Barely conscious.
I’m idle. I’m here without being, even when I started taking over again last night.
Thumb flickers slowly over the ever-smooth flesh of pink nipples, hands cupping the small, rounded breasts, squeezing them. Idle. It feels good, but I feel nothing.
What brings me back to myself is that final scene from the movie Marie Antoinette. It’s very simple, to be honest: the master chambers of the King and Queen of France, half-trashed and discreetly blood-stained. But I see it, in absolute silence, and it disturbs me. Even royalty can be ravished. Even the powerful can be violated.
I feel helpless, and memories start playing again.
My room. That room. The blood…the meaning. It hurts, but I can’t pinpoint why. Or rather, I can but don’t want to.

Tonight I want to be a queen. Marie Antoinette herself.

I was with Fae today, submerged in this catatonic state, the awareness of her hand, lead by mine, caressing her being the only thing to keep us from not existing. We ate and slept for most of the day. And God, I slept like the angels today. I dreamt of soft clouds and clear seas and stars and peace. Or maybe I didn’t dream, but I slept peacefully. And then I dyed her hair black and painted her nails red and made her me again. Fara doesn’t exist by herself, just like I wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t here. Fara and Amanda are not real, but Faramanda is. Complex as it may sound, it’s really very simple. Ask any Host.
I pick on my wounds, scratch them until they bleed again.Last night, I had an epiphany. It came as we were watching tv, staring transfixed as a woman choked her sister in law in a twisted form of erotic asphyxiation that, for reasons unknown, turned me on more than the real, “safe” thing. Yesterday I wanted to kill, and I knew exactly whom. Yesterday I opened a cut over a scar by letting Mark bring my father, and it hurts. He still hurts. But what hurts the most is that I’ll never really know why.
In a few hours Dee and Mark will be here, and I will face Matthew again.
And I’ll sleep peacefully again for the first time in 35 years.

Tomorrow, I'll become a Killer Queen.

Borderline

I ask things from people, even knowing that I'm not ready to give what I ask.
Pain is my fuel. I'm only happy when it rains.
I enjoy the feel of ripping skin, tearing flesh, my blood flowing down my arms. On that note, I love the taste of my own blood, her blood, metallic and sweet, coppery, as I lick it off our fingers.
I wish Helena would bite me.
It wasn't Fae's idea to take the Alprazolam.
Sex is my letout.
"Whore", "bitch" and "slut", when said to me in the right situation, turn me on like nothing else.
I hate vulgarity like nothing else.
I'm not one for PDA's. I value my privacy.
I believe in karma; it's my best friend, lately.
I fear I'll stop eating unless I'm starving after Ty's born.
If he left me, I'd die.
I want to be stronger.

Little things

...that you didn't (and probably didn't want to) know about me.
Oh, the fun.

-There was a time I hated red. Yeah, odd.
-Decent meal = Subway. Anything better that that can't be less than heaven.
-Tangerines and peaches are my favorite fruit, followed by cherries.
-In Di's words, I apparently smell of "citrus and coconut and nice."
-Insomnia's a bitch. but I rather not sleep than face my father again, even if it's all in my head.
-3 Monster Energy Drinks per day is completely normal and acceptable when you're in a body whose kidneys and liver work propperly (i.e. Not Fara)
-I believe that if that bullet didn't kill me, some failure in my body due to drug and alcohol abuse would have. A small part of me hopes I had some deadly STD, maybe AIDS, and I passed it on to him.
-The first time I met Di, I hated her completely. It was her 15 year old self, and she had more heroin and alcohol in her system than I ever did. She was celebrating her return from rehab.
-I have a fixation with scents, probably thanks to Fara.
-I'm slightly dyslexic, and it's more evident when I'm nervous.

-Also, Fae and I stutter when we're excited. Or nervous.
-Yes, I can apply make up fairly well. I also kind of rock at manicures.
-I always wanted to be an actress.
-I really hate dresses.
-You can keep me at peace and fairly entertained with a pack of gum. Actually, it's the best stress-releiver ever.
-Even though I love how it smells, I don't like the taste of coconut.
-My reading record is 5 books in a month, when I moved in to the warehouse.
-Stitch is the best Disney character EVER.
-I hate slasher movies. Yes, the irony.
-I'm slowly becoming a hardcore Potterhead. Fae's fault. And no, Bellatrix is NOT my favorite. It's actually Tonks and Ginny. And no, I would not be a Slytherin. It's Gryffindor for me.
-Before you ask, YES, I like fantasy and science fiction books and movies.
-No, I don't like Star Trek
-Yes, I'm also becoming a fan of Dr. Who, and may or may not have a crush on David Tennant.
-Tequila is not my friend. Neither is Rum.

-I learned the hard way to never underestimate Apple Martinis.
-I avoid painkillers or prescription meds at all costs, and may have saved my kid from an addiction to Excedrin.
-I love videogames, but I'm not exactly skilled at playing them.

-I may secretly like "Mamma Mia!". Yes, the musical. That one, with ABBA songs.

-Subways on themselves are a food group. The most important one, right up there with pizza, chocolate and energy drinks.

-"Paint it Black" by The Rolling Stones, kind of turns me on. Don't ask, I don't know why.

-I bite nail polish off my nails.
- I talk to Tyler all the time.
- The only one I'd cheat on Mark with, without a minute's hesitation or regret, is Jack Daniel's.
-I've been in love with Hoffman for longer than I like to admit. My pride will never let me.
-I bleached my hair when I was 19. There are pictures, and Mark must never know about this