Borrowing Spaces

I guess you never really knew how much I love you.
I loved you enough to watch you shut yourself from everything and everyone, building walls, perfectly constructed walls around you, like you used to do with the dominoes and cards at the park where we met. Walls I had to break to get to you in the first place.
I never...

I had to watch you slip away, grow cold and distant, silently blaming yourself for everything that happened. If only you had been there, if only you had waited with me...if only.
But fate had different plans for us. We always preached about being strong, being good, wanting to help, and someone thought it would be funny to test just how willing we were to live up to our claims.
Sounds familiar, does it not?
When they told me you were in the hospital after having tried to kill yourself, I felt myself shatter. What could have possibly driven you to that, my love, the man who always saw human life as something sacred? It had been my fault. I had trusted them all a little too much, and you warned me about it.
And then they told me about the cancer.
I laughed.
There was no way...not you. You never did anything that could lead to it, barely even drank coffee in the mornings, let alone drink or smoke. And yet, there it was: colon cancer, evolved into an inoperable front lobe tumor. Your days were counted.
And you took us all down with you.

Now, don't think I hate you. I couldn't, John, you're my heart, my life. You meant everything to me, and I must confess I never lived a truly happy day since our divorce. I needed you to be complete. But you were not yourself anymore.

None of this had to happen, and you know it. You preached about justice, about keeping your heart and your feelings out of this, and yet, what was THIS? Your own personal revenge against everyone who you believed had ruined your life.

None of this had to happen. You didn't have to do anything. In the end, no one was saved, we just crossed paths, and it will be only after death that we will be able to start over.

We had a chance; an opportunity to start again, to leave the past in the past and move on, to be strong and bare the pain, knowing it would soon become nothing more than a memory. But you were too blind to see, to consumed in your own quiet rage against everyone who had "wronged" you, one way or another.
Who's still standing, John? Not me, not you. Not even the ones who still live are ok, they lost everything to your cause. A cause that didn't need to be.
No, I am not blaming you for this. In the end, it was us who decided to stay, to return, to believe...but it lead us nowhere. No one learned, no one was saved, and everybody, in one way or another, died.

Still, here I stand, with my hand outstretched at you.
You were the last thought on my mind, the reason why I didn't feel any pain, or fear in the end. You're the reason I stayed, the reason I'd do it all over again.
You are the love of my life, John. And nothing will ever change that.

Will you now give us a chance to start over?


Jill

"Malacopa"/ ALIVE

"Malacopa" is Spanish for those times when you get very very drunk and that causes you to behave violently or become depressed. Mix both,then serve, and that's me tonight. God only knows why.
Anyways, here's my "malacopa" song, along with the video.



"I'm Alive" lyrics

I am what you want me to be,
And I'm your worst fear
You'll find it in me.
Come closer...
Come closer...
I am more than memory
I am what might be,
I am mystery.
You know me
So show me.
When I appear it's
Not so clear if
I'm a simple spirit
Or I'm flesh and blood...
But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive,
And I feed on the fear
That's behind your eyes.
And I need you
To need me
It's no surprise
I'm alive... So alive... I'm alive.
I am flame and I am fire,
I am destruction,
Decay and desire
I'll hurt you... I'll heal you...
I'm your wish,
Your dream come true,
And I am your darkest
Nightmare too
I've shown you...
I own you.
And though you made me,
You can't change me
I'm the perfect stranger
Who knows you too well.
And I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive,
And I'll tell you the truth
If you let me try.
You're alive, I'm alive,
And I'll show why
I'm alive... So alive... I'm alive
I'm right behind you.
You say forget,
But I remind you.
You can try to hide,
You know that I will find you.
'Cause if you won't grieve me
You won't leave me behind...
Ah, ah, ah,
Whoa, oh, oh,
Whoa, oh, oh...
No, no, no!
I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive,
If you climb on my back,
Then we both can fly.
If you try to deny me
I'll never die
I'm alive... So alive... I'm alive... Yeah, yeah... I'm alive... I'm alive... I'm alive... I'm alive!


There. Now that I've let it out and highlighted the most important parts,I feel a whole lot better.
Welcome to my dark side.You'll be hearing from it a little more often than I'd like.
And I'm not possesive, I'm merely territorial.

Some Advice...

For my "kids" out there, here's some advice:

- Never fear pain. Pain will come,and it will come harder if you keep avoiding it. The bitch chases after you all the time, so beter take it in small doses. Embrace it when it comes, cry it out, then start walking away.

- Watch "Mulholland Drive" at least once in your life. That'll be your guide of how NOT to love someone and what not to do to those who'd kill for you.
- On the note of love: don't ever be with someone you wouldn't give your life for. Also, never be with someone who wouldn't give their life for you.

- Never give everything for those who wouldn't give anything for you.

- In love, you ought to be a priority. If you're with someone s a second option,you're wasting your time.

- Never do drugs. They won't erase your past, nor will they make it go away. They only waste your present and ruin your future.

- Get completely wasted (drink until you forget your name and where you are) at least once in your life. Try never doing it again. If you do, ALWAYS be accompanied by someone who'll help you out.

- We were gifted with intuition. If it says "no", listen to it.

- Casual sex is great, yes. But it can't start to compare with making love. Try the latter more often.

- Don't put your friends and couple over your carreer, and don't put your carreer over them. You never know when both will end.

- Don't "forget and forgive". Forgiving means nothing if you forget.

- Keep in mind what happened, bear your scars proudly, and everytime you look at them, smile. In the end, all wounds heal,and all scars teach you a lesson.

- Stay in touch with at least one friend from your childhood. They'll help you remember how little you've really changed in essence, and will always point out how far you've made it in life.

- Don't have children for nannies to take care of. Have children when you know you can be with them when they need you. They are YOUR kids, your parents already had to raise you.

- When there's true love, marriage isn't needed. Keep it in mind.

- Don't be impatient. Live today to build the future you want, not just to get there.

- Don't say "I love you" if you don't really feel it. The symptoms are:

. Butterflies in your stomach.
. Miraculous boosts of energy when you see/hear/read/know about that person.

. Believing every word that comes out of their mouth, because, how could they lie to you?

. Smiling like stupid every time you notice something that reminds you of them.

. Smiling like stupid just because you remembered them.

. You'd give up everything without second thoughts or regrets just to see them again.

. You want to be fine. You want to be happy. You want to live and breathe so they can smile with you.

.You have no doubt of how (everything great and awesome) you are. Why else would they be there?

And the last piece of advice in this list:

People are just people. They come, they go...you're not them,and they don't make you. It hurts sometimes, and they hurt sometimes. But we need them.

Never look back. Never go back. Smile always. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Run, trip, get back up and keep running. Even if you never reach the sunset or the stars,just moving towards them makes you feel you can.

Who knows? Maybe you will...

Nightmares- Part 1

Throughout my life, I've come to realize that I'm apparently not entitled to a good night's sleep, nor am I the kind of person who can have a pleasant, quitet, peaceful dream.
I'm afraid of the dark. ever since I was a little kid, I've never been able to stay calm where there's no light. I'm also not particularly fond of enclosed spaces, but that's another story.
When I was a kid, they made me sleep with the door closed and the lights off. Immediately after my father would close the door, I'd start imagining the creatures that lurked in the dark, under my bed,or inside my closet. I tried to stay awake so they wouldn't eat me. Every night, I cried in silence until I finally fell asleep.

When I was about 6, the beatings started. He'd come home, staggering and reeking of alcohol,calling out for my mother. At first, she'd tell me to go to my room, and I'd stay there, lights out and covers over my head, hoping the sound would fade away, or that he'd pass out and leave her alone. The first time he hit me, it was because he'd heard me cry. After that, it became an everyday thing; he'd go for my mother, and I'd run and hide while he did to her whatever he feltlike that day. Then, when he was done, he'd start this twisted game of hide and seek with me. If he couldn't find me easily, he'd grow angry and take it out on anything that crossed his path, my mother included, until he found me, and then he'd punish me for hiding from him. But it was preferable to what happened if he did find me.
Things only got worse from then, and every night, after he was "done" with me, I had to stay in that room, in that bed where he had hurt me. I felt him there, like my room was his prision for me. There was no running from that.There was no running from him. If I said "no", then he'd lock me up in the basement, or under the stairs, or the closet...and he'd leave me there for hours. There were rats in the basement, and spiders. But he gave a fuck. Nights went by, hour by hour...and suddenly, being asleep or awake made no difference, 'cause it was all the same. He was everywhere, with the rats and spiders and shadows in the dark, and the noises that came from the dingy,dust-covered corners of the house.
We tried telling. I tried running, but mom wouldn't let me. We needed him.
I ran away from home at 16, but I could never run away from my father. He was there every time I tried to sleep. Every man I lived with had his face, his smell, his touch... I knew he'd follow me everywhere.
I hadn't slept in two weeks the night I was arrested. Lights, sounds, and a tone of voice that was all-too familiar for me, a kind of violence I knew well.
18 months in jail. Posession. And it was dark there. I was back to the situation I had been running from for six years.

In jail, I started using heroin, and I discovered the joys of dreamless sleeping. It was a bliss,to actually get to rest during those moments of not thinking; everything around me was gone for a moment, and I got lost in the sensations, the adrenaline rush. I slept relatively fine when I used heroin, and that's something I must confess I miss.

I really don't know how to continue this. We've come to the point where I don't know how to put what needs to be said in words...or rather, I don't want to.

I've been to rehab twice. The first time was in 1995. I was fresh out of jail, and it was part of my sentence. That's where I, unknowingly, met some of the most important people in my life.
What happened at the clinic is something I won't talk about this time. I think it's enough if I say I still have nightmares about it even now. I dream that he sees Jill,and then spots me...that's when I wake up. I don't want to find out what happens next, 'cause I know.

I ran away from the clinic. I left the city, moved as far away from there as I could. I spent ten years hiding, selling myself for a hit so I could forget everything I had left behind in NY. I found someone more or less stable who treated me a little less like shit and more like a woman, and I moved in with him. We had...well, not a decent life, but it was not shitty, either. We got money, we both used, we could afford food, we went out...you know, things you're supposed to do and have when you're young. 20-something young.

But I got sick. Bored of the same thing, of the comfortable life.

I hopped on some stranger's car and let him drive me wherever he was going. I had drugs, some cash, and my body to pay for the trip.

Guess my surprise when, after three days of road trip, I woke up to find myself at the hospital, on the same city I had ran away from ten years ago.

That was my second rehab. That's how he found me.

This is it for now. I'll continue tomorrow.

The Irony of Music...

Lately, I've been listening to music like I never had before; in 30-something years of life (and an afterlife of sorts) I limited myself to certain bands I KNEW I liked. Why waste my time finding more music when the one I had always listened to was just fine? Well,it's true that every now and then I'd hear something new that I liked and add it to my playlist.
Ayways, lately that playlist has been growing at an impressive degree;as I said before, I've been listening to music I had never heard or thought I would like before. Some of it fits perfectly with my "type of music", but most of it doesn't.

Here I give you a few examples of Music I never thought I would like until I was proved wrong.

The Ting Tings
I know, I know...What The Fuck. But one of their songs got stuck in my head (stupid TV), and the Kid dowloaded it along with some other songs. Turns out I like their style, and their lyrics are pretty nice, too. My favorites by them:Great DJ and That's Not My Name

"Taking Chances" by Celine Dion.
Don't even get me started on this. I hate corny, sweet,romantic "I love you baby,be mine forever" music. Romance has always been ABSENT in my life, and the closest I've come to living a novelistic love story was John. But then things(and fanfiction turned canon by me) happened, and the kid had this song on her computer,and I heard it, and actually fucking payed attention to the lyrics. You can figure out the rest.
I HATE Celine Dion.

"Bulletproof" by La Roux
First of all, anyone who points out the irony in this earns a one-way trip to the warehouse and a Hoffman makeover. That said, I don't really know what I like so much about this song. The lyrics are fine, I guess, and the tune is catchy, but it's no big deal. Still, it's on the list, and it makes me smile.
And while we're speaking of irony, I believe I should also mention this next song:

"Happiness Is a Warm Gun" by The Beatles
People should know that I don't like The Beatles at all; there's no real reason for this, I just don't like their music. But this song really got to me when I first payed attention to it, and it's now one of my favorites. People, never say "never", because that "never" will surely come back and bite you in the ass, and hard.

Other additions to the list that should also be mentioned are Regina Spektor, Amanda Palmer, P!nk and Nouvelle Vague.

Ok, so maybe I'm a sucker for lyrics. And maybe I've been listening to the Kid's music for a little too long. Hell, maybe I've been with the Kid for too long. Who knows, who cares.

Stay tuned for more today. Expect a deeper insight into the workings of my mind by tonight. I heard someone wanted to know about my nightmares...

People Of Flesh and Bone

People of flesh and bone lie. People with their own bodies cheat you, think it's ok to make up a wonderful world for you because they can't see you there; if they believe you imaginary, you're irrelevant, they feel they can do with you as they please.
People of flesh and bone have this stupid belief that they have to sand over everyone to get what they want, no matter who gets hurt or how badly. People of flesh and bone regard themselves as the most important thing around them. All else is something that was put there for them to use at will.

And that's why I may be trhough with most people of flesh and bone.

New Beginnings

Bilingual, more confidential...much more comfortable. I needed a free space, where I wouldn't feel spied on. Most of the "fic" stuff goes in here, too.
So...yeah. The Big, Red Bitch's Diary...under lock and key for some.